


Still Remembering

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 08:43:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Meredith and Dwayne consider their distances after she leaves (songfic, implied unresolved Prody)





	Still Remembering

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts), [galia_carrots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galia_carrots/gifts).



> The lyrics in this fic are from "Still Remembering" by As It Is. I love this song an unhealthy amount. I'll be back to posting "Past, Present and Future Hearts" soon.

**_My heart’s as heavy, as these nights are long_ ** ****_  
_ **_And I curse these spaces between my fingers_ ** ****_  
_ **_Where, for a time you belonged_ ** ****_  
_ **_And you’ll find somebody new who’s worth your time_ ** ****_  
_ **_Someone who’s words sound sweeter than mine_ ** **_  
_ _I’ll try to mend, trying my best just to get by_**

Merri had never regretted anything more than the day she had chosen not to return to New Orleans. She’d gone and packed up her house, she’d handed in her resignation and then she’d disappeared. She still kept in contact with some, but she had largely tried to disappear off the planet. If they decided to trace her she wouldn’t be hard to find, but as far as she knew nobody had tried. She also hadn’t checked, and her quest to find herself again at the age of 38 had taken over.

Nothing seemed to be going as she planned, and after more than a year of this almost-nomadic existence she found her thoughts lingering more and more on home. She thought of everyone there, but she did think of some more than others. She had different things that reminded her of each, and they were as personal to her as the other things she carried with her. Not to mention the only photos she had with her were of her parents, James and her sister, and her team.

On nights like this she found herself staring at her fingers and regretting the decisions she made, and the ones she had avoided making. There was so much that she could have done that would have kept her there, kept her at home. For the first time in a long time she’d had somewhere she belonged without questions, with people who had accepted her without boundaries. Of course, she had had to ruin that, because being happy was something that she still didn’t know how to accept.

Googling flights certainly wasn’t helping her sudden feeling of homesickness, or was it sudden? She had been thinking about her life every moment since she’d essentially fled, and nothing really had come of it other than the feeling that she was missing something fundamental. Whenever she thought that her mind flashed back to the one person who had made her feel more welcome than anyone else. They had been dancing around their feelings for far too long, and that was probably part of where she was now.

He deserved somebody who could make him feel half as secure as he’d made her feel, and he deserved someone who wasn’t a mess most of the time. Merri wasn’t the most stable of people, she was well aware of this, and yet she had still hoped that she would be able to settle down somehow. That didn’t seem to be the way life was going for her, and she should leave him well alone to find that someone else. He was such a lovely person she didn’t think that it would take that long for him to find them. Maybe he already had and she’d find out when she did next make contact.

Right now, she was going to keep trying to find herself, to work out who she was. Then maybe she would be ready to return. To face the demons of her past and make peace with them. She wasn’t sure that she really knew how to entirely let go, but she was going to try as hard as she could. Thinking about the past was just going to push her further into her depression, so moving on, or trying to, was the best that she could do.

**_I’ve kept your portrait framed within my mind_ ** ****_  
_ **_It remains untouched of new paints and brushes_ ** ****_  
_ **_Yet, still it changed over time_ ** ****_  
_ **_When you left, not without warning or regrets_ ** ****_  
_ **_Nothing could fill this hole in my chest_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_Here’s your farewell, I wish you nothing but the best_**

It has been two years now since he’d gotten Merri’s message that she wasn’t coming back, and that thought still cut him too deeply. More deeply than anything else had managed to do. Despite what everyone thought, she’d never truly been that far from his mind, and he still missed her deeply. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if he was actually missing her, or if he was missing some idealised version of her that he’d made up in his mind. He didn’t even remember the last time she’d called. They’d probably talked about what he was doing, she’d been so very careful to not talk about what she was doing or where she was. Every time she’d called it had been a different country code, and he had marked them down, working out where she’d travelled.

Even the thoughts in his mind didn’t always match up with the pictures of Merri that he had. How she had changed without even being there he didn’t know but clearly she had. Again, he didn’t know if this was because he was trying to make her perfect in his mind. She had already seemed to be perfect to him, and he didn’t know why that wasn’t enough for his mind. Sometimes he felt so angry that she had seemed to be able to walk away so easily, and he was instead left here, wishing that he could have figured out a way to stop her leaving in the first place.

But everything changed, didn’t it? Nothing could stay the same forever, even though he wanted it to. If he could go back two years and tell Merri not to go he would do it in a heartbeat. If he could tell her that his feelings went far beyond what they should have done, and that he knew she felt the same way, it could have changed so much. Instead they were where they were. He was here, still in his room in the office in New Orleans, and who knew where she was. Somewhere in the world, doing whatever it was that she’d left to do. Nobody knew any more than he did, not even her mother.

It wasn’t as though there hadn’t been warnings that she might leave. He’d known all along that she ran away when things got tough, and he knew that she was not the kind of person that knew how to let people in easily. He’d thought that they had managed to break through that as a team, but all it had taken was one man to come in and ruin the security Merri had felt like she’d built up, and King hadn’t been able to do a damn thing to stop it. He’d had a feeling about Russo, but there was nothing he could do.

But he still missed her. There was a place in his life that was empty because she wasn’t there to fill it. He didn’t have a word for what it was, but he knew when it wasn’t there. It made it even harder to move on from what was going on for him, and he really didn’t want to, but he probably needed to at this point. It had been 2 years. He just needed closure, and maybe all he could do to gain that closure was to start writing a letter, telling her everything that he felt, and all the regrets he would always hold.

King wanted the best for her, he wanted health and peace and whatever else it was that she was searching for on her travels. He wanted her to find what she needed, but he also wanted to let her know that her family in New Orleans would welcome her back when she was ready. That they all missed her, and she had a place here. He didn’t want to push or to preach. He just wanted to reach out to her and be the person that she had been for him while he was here. Hopefully, if he mailed this to her mother she’d get it, and maybe it would eventually bring her home.

**_Can you tell me what hurts more_ ** ****_  
_ **_Is it remembering_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_Or forgetting_**

It had taken three and a half years and she was finally back. She didn’t know if anyone would care, but she’d finally been back in the US, and finally ready to face what she had to face. The pain when she had stepped out of the hotel into the city had been more than she’d expecting, especially given that all she could do now that she had returned was think about the life she had almost had. The life that could have come if she’d fought through her desire to run. If she’d realised that nothing here was going to hate her for things that others had done.

She had explained who she was to the new cop on the gate. He’d told her that only Agent Pride was in residence today. That was what she’d needed. Though she wanted to see everyone else, she knew that first she needed to see King, she needed proof that she hadn’t forgotten anything about him. That would probably hurt her more than anything else that could have possibly happened. She didn’t want to forget, and she didn’t want to remember. All she wanted to do was live in the moment, and to focus on what the future could bring. Closing this chapter of her life was important, and doing it on her 40th birthday seemed appropriate. King’s letter convinced her to come.

Cooking smells took her to the kitchen, and for a second she just leaned on the doorway while she watched him. This was what coming home was, the sight and smell immediately shooting her back four years. She could never forget the time she spent here, and all the memories she made. She didn’t need to worry about that anymore. When King finally looked up and caught her eye he just slowly moved the pan, turned the burner off then walked toward her slowly. A trembling hand touching her cheek before he pulled her in for the closest hug she could ever remember getting. That was when the pain returned, remembering how she’d left, and all that came before.

**_The past that once was ours_ ** ****_  
_ **_Am I remembering, still remembering_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_Or forgetting_**

Dwayne didn’t know what to think as he held Merri close against him. He didn’t really believe she was there, but she was. He was holding her close and tight, and he felt her arms just as tight around him. Did she miss him half as much as he did her? There would be a time for questions after they’d spoken, after she’d told him what she wanted and he had recovered from her sudden appearance. It was so her, and he remembered that the first time she’d come, she’d arrived in much the same manner. Quietly doing whatever she could, and just watching when it was in her best interests to do so. God how much he’d missed her, and everything that could have been.

He remembered everything, it turned out. He remembered how he’d felt the first time she’d let him hold her like this, he remembered how proud he’d been when she’d started opening up to him. He remembered how crushed he’d been when she’d told him that she wasn’t coming home. In a way, it had been more crushing than when he and Linda had separated, because he and Merri had never even had the chance. Now she was here, looking entirely different than how he remembered, but she smelt the same, and she felt the same. He could still remember all his secret wishes, and this time, he was going to tell her them before she left.

Maybe he was forgetting things that had been negative, maybe he was forgetting that she told him this wasn’t going to be a permanent thing. Maybe he was forgetting the pain of getting too invested in someone, but he didn’t care anymore. Merri had come home, and even if nothing came of this, they would have the chance to talk, and they would be able to get closure on what had clearly been an immensely emotional time of both their lives. He wished that he could convince her to stay though, because he didn’t want to have to forget, and he didn’t want to have to remember. He wanted it all to be his reality, and more than remembering or forgetting, losing the present would hurt most.


End file.
